The Bipolar Lock keeper

Dear Mum,

Sorry I didn’t get to the grave today. I have all the lovely bulbs you like in the car. Sam is moving back to Maidenhead on Thursday & I spent the day with him. You would have loved it as I cooked a roast chicken with crispy roast potatoes – I know how much you liked them. Sam says hi & Happy Mother’s Day Nan. Luke Jons sends his love too.

Happy Mother’s Day Mum. I will come for a chat tomorrow. I miss you so much Mary Jons

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mums

The best analogy I have heard about the Bipolar Disorder condition is the AA Milne book “Winnie-The-Pooh” and its characters of Tigger and Eeyore.

Both are lovable in their own way showing different and unique characteristics.

The commonly used analogy prior to this, from a time when Bipolar was known as Manic Depression, was Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. Bit too severe for me!

Before using Tigger & Eeyore, my mood states were referred to by a very dear friend as Low Count & High Count. Like Tigger & Eeyore both lovable versions of me. For info my nickname given whilst at The University of Nottingham class ‘84 to ‘87 was The Count

Whilst I was an BSc Engineering Maths graduate, it was not for numerical or financial prowess but because I only came out of my room at night to hit the wonderful clubs, pubs, gig venues and nightlife that Nottingham had to offer. We had Rock City and my new friends and I went to 3 gigs there in the space of 8 days. I had found my happy place. I adore live music & it is my passion.

I have always been able to quickly assess a situation and evaluate pros & cons. Maybe it is the Bipolar. I decided my 3 year stint in Nottingham was going to be a party & Party Central it did indeed become.

I don’t remember much about the 3 years of academic study – perhaps due to the fact I was barely at lectures. My father had said go, learn life skills, have a fantastic time but pass the degree as he had failed as a younger student and returned to academia later in life to secure his Bachelors degree.

I passed with Honours – just! Still it has not held me back in my career.

So for Low Count now I use Eeyore. He is a bit slower, a bit more withdrawn from social situations & less active on social media. Sometimes I feel like just crawling under a rock, going back to bed where it is warm and inviting. The world will still be there when I wake up … right?

Ask me if I am OK and the answer will be Yes, even if it is clearly No!

Eeyore is present when my mood state is between 0 to 4 on the Bipolar UK mood scale.

Now High Count I now use Tigger. Bipolar mood states 6 to 10.

Tigger is excited, the life and soul of the party, over-active on social media, messaging people & everything to extreme.

Tigger does not see risks as clearly as he should and makes big decisions quickly.

My sleep is usually the first thing to be affected when I move into Tigger state. Hyper-mania normally brings with it insomnia & I can get it bad.

My body is running on adrenaline and what does that drug do? …. make everything faster.

My brain neuron’s are firing and it feels amazing. I have done some very challenging projects when hyper-manic – Tigger state

Adrenaline does not let you sleep. I described my sleep challenges recently using the analogy of the angel & devil on your shoulder.

The angel is telling me in a calm and measured voice (I hear my sister’s calm voice – she is after all a trained hypnotherapist) that it is time to stop & rest but the naughty little devil is saying you don’t want to rest, look at all the fun stuff you can get done if you stay up and yes you’ve guessed it the devil always wins.

Tigger is bouncy & the higher on the mood scale I get, the more bouncy Tigger gets!

As Tigger is sleep deprived, he is impatient and doesn’t handle frustrations or the bumps in the road we all experience as we travel along life’s pathway exploring its rich pageant.

My life can be described as two well known games

• JENGA – the modern-day version of a house of cards.
• I am the sole brick on the botton row of a wobbly tower as I’ve been supporting a variety of challenges such as:-
  • An intense full-time job in a large 6th Form college
  • Repair & restaurant of Lock House as prior owners didn’t do many things properly!
  • Luke’s life journey
  • All whilst dealing with bereavement from the loss of a dear parent & crushing grief.
  • Oh Did I mention I have bipolar!
• Snakes & Ladders
  • Your journey mapped out in 100 squares. Each task or project can be broken down in this way
  • Move ahead a step at a time and you are nearer to your goal.
  • I do believe my mum & dad are looking down and helping me navigate life. As a likeness to the beautiful Frank Capra movie – It’s a Wonderful Life, mum & dad are sending me angels, similar to Clarence Odbody, or gold nuggets. These are ladders in the Snakes & Ladders analogy

• My life truly is wonderful. I am blessed with an amazing family and incredible friends. Many beautiful souls ❤️❤️
• But life is not linear and there will always be bumps & frustrations. Negative people or situations. These are The Snakes
• The triage system in the NHS is the biggest snake of all & I cannot stand it. There are some wonderful people working in the NHS but the systems & infrastructure barely function as governments fund it on a just enough budget e.g just enough funding to keep a pulse going. I have seen with my own eyes how broken the systems are.

I hope that goes some way to explaining the superpower that is Bipolar Disorder Type 2.

If you are of similar age to me & you are blessed, you will have elderly parents.

If both your parents have passed, my condolences for your loss. I hope you have found some peace since their passing.

Everyone’s journey in life is different & some may have challenging families & even be estranged from family members.

I have now lost both parents. My father Alan far too soon at 62 (I was 26) and my mother Mary who lived to the ripe old age of 92, passing in October 2024.

I was lucky to be loved and love in return with all my heart. I miss them so much.

I cared for my mum for the last 6 years of her life as she lived with me in Maidenhead and then in Tod, when we returned north in 2023. I brought Mum home as she grew up in Littleborough – just 5 miles or 2 train stops from Tod.

It was an absolute privilege to give back after receiving love and care all my life. Mum was a rock when my world changed in 2018.

The care was made more challenging by the fact I have bipolar & difficulties getting Mum’s medication but the superpower really does show itself when times are tough.

Some thoughts if you are now having to arrange care or the end of life stage of a parent

• Cherish every moment, time is fleeting & you won’t get it back
• Show them love, kindness, empathy & compassion
• Don’t have reason to regret any action
• Take some time for you. This stage of your life is tough & you need to be fit for purpose.
• You have got this. If you are in my friend & family network you truly are amazing and have all the skills in your toolbox.
• Lean into your support networks whether it be care professionals, family or friends.
• Break it down into smaller manageable tasks/projects
  • I viewed Mum’s care as a program called Send Mum to Dad which broke down into a series of projects. As a certified project manager from my time at IBM this helped me cope.
• Don’t keep the pain & grief hidden, talk to people about it. Trust me it does help.
• If your parent is under NHS care or in a care home. they are safe. Trust the professionals.
• I hope their passing into “the next world“ is as painless as possible. It will be painful for you but pain & grief are the price we pay for true love.
• Whether you are religious or not, their pain is over once they pass and they are in a better place
• I am actually crying now as I write this
• I also hope that you find some peace & solace after their passing. Take it slow and remember all the good times you shared
• I was recently reminded grief is permanent. Get professional help with bereavement & grief, I know I need it!

I was recommended to read the Australian singer/songwriter Nick Cave’s book on grief – Faith, Hope & Carnage. Nick has suffered a lot – losing his father at 19 and 2 sons, aged 15 & 31 respectively.

Finally if you ever want to chat “my door” is always open. Just ping me

Thanks for reading

Graham

Thank you Four Candles Renovation. Nice builders with good ideas.

Have a working washing machine

Work on basement bedroom going well. Back to stone walls now

Wall outside back door taken back to stop water ingress

Fourcandlesrenovations Nice job. Nice guys. Highly recommended.

I have bought equipment to allow me to do old school DJ’ing with vinyl – 2 Technics decks,Technics headphones & a VMX mixer.

I plan to practice in my very detached stone cottage & am building my best ever Party playlist for my 60th celebration in Spring 2026

Party playlist https://music.apple.com/gb/playlist/party-playlist/pl.u-76oNJBeI2Z316

The hope is to mostly play tracks on vinyl but there may need to be a few digital too.

West Yorkshire is blessed with many vinyl outlets. I mainly use

• Heightside Records on Tod market (Sunday) https://www.instagram.com/heightside.records
• Revo Records in Halifax https://www.instagram.com/revorecords

Bought the house off developers. Professional tradespeople call them “Flippers” as the turn a profit on a run-down property.

What I am finding – in my lovely house some of the work has been “botched”. I am getting it fixed by proper tradesmen Four Candles Renovation

Slowly getting there.

Some photos of the 💩show

On a crusade to improve road safety for children on the way to an educational established in this area. – Specifically Bacup Road

https://chng.it/dpCLzJ8kCK