The Bipolar Lock keeper

Mood: 7

Hours of sleep: 5 hours in 3 sessions

Often when I’m in hyper-mania state, my sleep pattern gets affected and I get periods on insomnia and if this spans a period of 3 or more days then sleep deprivation.

Last night, I was falling asleep on the sofa so went to my bed. I woke thinking it was 7am but when I checked my watch it was just past 11pm. I could hear shouts from Mum’s room so rushed to find her on the floor near her bed. She wasn’t injured so I helped her into bed.

Insomnia I can usually cope with, as hyper-mania generates enough adrenalin to get me through. Sleep deprivation is hard, my legs don’t appear to be connected to my brain. It is as though I am really drunk. Not the most pleasant of states to be in when I am trying to function in work and as a carer. I fully appreciate why it is used as a method of torture! 😱

My “means-out” of insomnia is to get a two week prescription of Zopiclone sleeping tablets.

The downside is I feel very “groggy” in the morning when I take them so never take them if I will need to drive.

When I checked my phone, I had messages from my brother & sister and a missed call from Taking Care (the trip alarm company). As they hadn’t received an answer, an ambulance 🚑 had been dispatched.

I went downstairs and seeing flashing lights outside opened the door. They’d got lost on the way & couldn’t find the house – it’s a common problem.

The two paramedics came in. One checked mum over and the other asked me a lot of questions. They left just after 1 a.m. I stayed up and fell asleep on the sofa around 2 a.m. but woke at 4 a.m. as Mum appeared at the lounge door scarying the 💩 out of me.

I managed to get her back to bed. I fell asleep on the sofa around 5 a.m. and had a repeat appearance from Mum at the lounge door at 7:30 a.m.

It is hard enough not sleeping through the night but when mum is doing it too, it is very tough. Hope it is short lived.

The amazing Mrs D was born. Happy Birthday lovely Natalie ❤️

Mood 7

Sleep: took a tablet 11pm to 2:30am & 5am to 7am. Total 5.5 hours.

Now a caveat

What follows is my truth. Others may have a different view of events 😎

Six years ago today, I came into the school office I shared with Nat with her present. She immediately clocked that something was not right. I said it’s your birthday, we can talk about that tomorrow but it didn’t work

What had happened the previous evening is that my life was unexpectedly turned upside-down. My world pivoted on it’s axis as I was told something that changed my life forever and in that moment, I was lied to by the person I trusted most in the world.

In the coming days as details were drip-fed, I was given “hope” that the situation could be fixed when it obviously couldn’t. The whole truth did out eventually – it always does! but those days were some of the worst of my life.

I was wronged and as I said yesterday when that happens I fight back. Light the blue touch paper!

As divorce proceedings were started, I took back control of a difficult situation but a few very difficult months followed. I still have a copy of the divorce petition drafted by her lawyer. I read it from time to time, just to remind me how crazy the legal system in this country is. “Unreasonable behaviour” really? Comparitively speaking – pot kettle black.

However, during these dark times some amazing things happened.

They say never meet your heroes.

In the few days that followed I had a ticket to see Frank Turner at O2 Academy in Oxford. I saw on his website he was due to play an intimate set in a record store in town & sign some records. I decided to go along and as luck would have it I was first in the queue to meet him. He asked me how I was doing but I couldnt hold back the tears. He couldn’t have been nicer. Thank you FTHC. Here’s a photo from that meeting

I also booked a holiday to Peru and trekked the Salkantay route to Macchu Pichu & have been to some other amazing places since.

I think I’m an honest, trusting and generous person & if I let you into my life, we will be friends forever. If you betray me, well God help you 🧛.

It took a long time to not think about what happened that day but time is a great healer. I will never forget that day – it is burnt into me and I don’t think I’ll forgive it either – just don’t have that gene.

What it has given me is freedom & independence. I am not beholden to anyone and I ❤️ it.

One of the best things about Tod, is that it’s a market town. The centre is jumping when it’s a market day.

On the indoor market, the prize for the best stall must go to Ham Corner. They sell ham and are in the corner 🤣

They sell sandwiches with a huge list of fillings, pies, pasties & puddings – savoury and sweet, bread, cold meats etc.

Their sausages rolls are probably the best I’ve had EVER!

I’m going to work through their pies & pasties so got a selection of goodies to start with

• Sausage Roll
• Pork pie
• Meat & potato pie
• Cheese & onion pasty

Went into the local Information Centre yesterday & bought my first Ordnance Survey map, covering the local area.

My house is at Gauxholme where the red A681 crosses the blue (Canal)

Also asked about pronunciations of local towns. Yorksheer folks are lazy it seems. I know we drop Ts but in some cases whole words

• Mytholroyd – Mi tholroyd – no emphasis on 2nd syllable.
• Luddenfoot – just Lud foot
• Todmorden – just Tod
• Sowerby Bridge – so be (not emphasised)
• Gauxholme – gauze um (silent h)

Yesterday we had a meeting with medical representatives with regards mum’s prescribed meds that left my sister and I raging.

I won’t go into specifics today as we don’t know what follow up action will be taken yet.

In my view, the other party came with an agenda and it was going to be his way or the highway. There was no empathy, pragmatism and an unwillingness to work towards a solution would work for all.

At one point in the meeting, he said “I don’t want to be aggressive but ….”. OMG did you just say that? Light the blue touch paper – let’s go 🤬

My birth sign is Scorpio and I have a sting in my tail. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of me!

Mess with a Jons family member at your peril. We will repel all attacks and get medieval on your ass.

After the meeting, had to get some fresh air so walked from Lock 18 to Lock 17.

Photos from my walk from my house (Lock 24) towards Todmorden (Lock 18)

Sunday trip to Hebden Bridge Picture House

Mood 7. Hours undisturbed sleep 3.5.

What a wonderful word ❤️

This is what those with BD strive for – 5 on the mood scale, balance in The Force or in simple terms CALM

I’m not there at the moment 😢

There are 4 things that bring calm to my life.

• Quality time with family & friends
• Music
• Cooking/Baking
• Water

Music

I love live music and take every opportunity (budget allowing) to attend a gig or music festival. I try and get to at least one a month.

My musical tastes are eclectic. My first concert was PIL with John Lydon and latest, The Lottery Winners in Manchester.

I have tickets to see The Killers, Green Day, Bruce Springsteen, James, The Cult and Richard Hawley later this year.

I also collect vinyl. I invested in some high quality hi-fi equipment when I moved in to the house.

I have created a disco/listening space in my basement. It is my happy place.

Todmorden, Hebden Bridge & Rochdale all have record shops so my collection has swelled since I arrived. Music connects you with memories of good time past and I buy vinyl on an emotional connection rather than a want list. It can get expensive if I find records that I want in my collection. 😱💰

Cooking/Baking

I have always enjoying cooking. I remember making pancakes on Saturday’s & Yorkshire Puddings on Sunday. Something therapeutic about whisking a batter!

I’m a good cook, even if I say so myself. Sadly not the best in the family. That honour goes to my sister but she has had formal training, which I haven’t.

My specialities are curries, chillis (vegan option available), chocolate treats, bread & pizzas and I can make a great roast – Christmas Dinner being the piece de resistance as my eldest son can testify

During lockdown, I learnt how to make dough using Richard Bertinet’s method.

I also bought an Ooni pizza oven and KitchenAid food mixer with dough hook. They’ve been used a lot.

Water

Water in all it’s forms is joyful

Whether it’s snow days that close school (yay!) or waterfalls you can’t fail to find it relaxing. Maybe not, when you are driving home on the M62 and the snow is coming sideways 😱

I have been lucky to live close to water most of my life. When down South, I was within walking distance of River Thames and I completed The Thames Path a few years ago.

Now I have water directly outside in the form of The Rochdale Canal. This is literally “on my doorstep”

Technically no, but I live as close to the lock as you can get!

The first true live-aboard boaters that came through the lock gave me a windlass + a new nickname – “Tod of the Lock”. ❤️ it.

I wrote to Canal & River Trust asking if I could become the voluntary lock keeper for Lock 24. The response was they don’t need one but there may be other ways to get involved. Watch this space!

Bipolar Disorder can be a Bastard.

2 weeks ago, I was struggling to get out of bed. Now I’m not spending enough time sleeping in it

#highcount #insomnia #limitless #crawlunder #sleepdeprivation #lowcount

Thank God for prescribed sleeping tabs. Don’t often take them but need them now.

Being high “hyper-mania” makes me feel like the character Bradley Cooper plays in the film Limitless – except I don’t need drugs.

• Chronic insomnia & sleep deprivation
• Less awareness of risk

I tend to spend more and book more events when high.

So what about the low’s

Generally, I just want to stay in bed and sleep time away. My bed is my comfort place and I will go there whenever I can. I sleep too much rather too little

I withdraw from social situation & go quiet on social media.

If asked how I am, I’ll say “I’m fine” or “I’m OK”, when I’m clearly not but I don’t like anyone making a fuss

In extreme lows, you think a way to end the hurt you are feeling is suicide. If the things you are catastrophising about did happen, it would be your way out.

Whilst I have suicidal thoughts, I have never started to make a plan.

Finally, I believe suicide is not an escape but the most selfish action a human being can take because it brings grief and devastation to family & friends left. I’m not a selfish person so it will never happen.

When in low mood, you think you will be in low forever and a high mood will never come again – but this is Bipolar Disorder and one always does!

I can’t control when moods change and cannot force a change from low to high.

We all have flaws and it’s the cracks that let the light in ☀️

I am lucky to have amazing family and friends, who I know have my back. I know I can be a handful and hurt but it is never my intention. I love you loads ❤️❤️❤️

Be More Kind

Today’s Mood 7

Hours slept 5.5 with sleeping tablet.

Yesterday, I headed to the local recycle centre as I have an industrial amount of cardboard to get rid of.

Finding it not yet open, I headed into Hebden Bridge and found a cafe opening up. I ordered coffee and a Full English breakfast called a “Full Monty” on their menu. It was massive and it included fried Spam! It’s a thing in Yorkshire – WTAF is that about? Like Black Pudding, it is not for me!

Headed home as someone was collecting some furniture I’d put on Freecycle but en route, I paid my first visit to Todmorden Golf Club. Positioned on top of the hill, it has stunning views but each hole has a slope index!

My mum & I headed out for lunch to Gordon Rigg’s in Walden. I had Rag Pudding – which is the local dish similar to a Steak & Kidney Pudding.

https://cornpvalefoods.co.uk/product/beef-rag-pudding/#:~:textn=Rag%20pudding%20is%20a%20lot,even%20boiled%20in%20the%20bag.

We headed home. Mum had a snooze & I went for a walk along the towpath from my house (Lock 24) to Lock 18 in Todmorden. In that direction, the canal is going downhill. Todmorden is lower which hopefully means my house will never flood!

There’s an old book shop (Lyalls) on Rochdale Road & I went to see if they had old maps of the canal. Got talking with owner (Colin) who regaled me with some history of my house.

Get this, it used to be a BROTHEL in Victorian times for the canal navvies. Plenty of “action” under my roof back in the day, none now – as yet 🤣